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Scouse Jokes
A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Anfield. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Kop end."

"Yes," responded St Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"

"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."
The Sleeper
Jimmy is sitting in church one Sunday morning when he falls asleep and starts to snore. The care taker of the church quickly comes over to him, taps him softly on his shoulder and says, "Please stop your snoring, Jimmy, you're disturbing the whole church."

"Now look here," says Jimmy, "I always pay my tithes in full, always put something extra in the basket... so I feel I have a right to do whatever I want."

"Yes, I agree," replies the caretaker, "but your snoring is keeping everybody else awake."
Three mice are sat in a pub having a few pints and they're discussing which one is the hardest.

The first mouse says, "I'm the hardest. I go up to mousetraps, rip out the cheese and, as the bar comes down, I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the floor."

The second mouse replies, "You nonce! I get the rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it!"

The third mouse shrugs his shoulders, downs his pint and walks to the door.

"Where you going?" ask the other two.

"I'm off home to f**k the cat!"
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.

So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree, not see.

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"

Aussie Woman: "Fo'."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Aussie Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and ."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'Russell'?"

Aussie Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."

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